MAN LAW: 2017 Week Uno Recap
PREAMBLE
Numbers man, I love them and I hate them. Thankfully with FFB there’s plenty of numbers to go around. And even better yet, the numbers that I hate can be the numbers you love! In my first of two numerical forays in this introduction, I hate the numbers and you may absolutely love them. You could also not give ⅓ of a crap about these numbers and skip this next paragraph. No seriously. I can’t lose in the championship and say something. But do you really want to read that?
Well… Apparently you’re interested in my championship squabbling! Not sure if you 1) enjoy my pain, 2) have some weird FFB empathy, or 3) just couldn’t pass up some crafty (?) Man Law commentary. But I’ll cut to the chase and keep it simple. Quick recap: last year’s Man Law championship turned into the M-M-M-M-MUNDAHL BOWL *airhorn* *airhorn* *airhorn* *airhoooooorn*. I lost 49 to 91. It hurt, man. However, those are not the numbers I want to discuss. I want to discuss two goose-eggs sitting on my bench. A.J. GREEN: 0 points & MELVIN GORDON: 0 points. These numbers are somewhat mundane in themselves, but I hope to quickly convince you that they represent the importance of building a team for weeks 14 through 16. Markus’s Wheaties (my team name last year) was not built that way. Conversely, I started the year on an absolute tear! Through week 9, my squad was 8–1. AJ Green and Melvin Gordon were the foundation of my team — both players flirting with 20+ point games every week. But then it died. AJ Green was injured in week 10. He plays no more games. In week 14, Melvin Gordon starts the game, but totals five yards (zero fantasy points) and plays no more games. My team finishes the regular season 2–2 (totaling a still-wicked 10–3). During the playoffs — weeks 14,15, and 16 — my team averages 66 points. Ewwwwww. Also, that’s 30 points lower than my average during the regular season. Super ewwww. Kristian starts the season 0–2, rolls into the playoffs 8–5, and then averages 111 points per game (!!!) in the playoffs. Kudos my friend/brother. However you designed your team, it peaked in the playoffs and that’s all that really matters. My team construction just didn’t hold together. Now, I don’t really know what will predict good performance in weeks 14–16, and if I knew the answer I wouldn’t tell you! But I will be studying that in the future and trying to re-take the ring lead!
Some of the best numbers try and predict the future. These numbers try to be insightful, but are also often ‘inciteful’. That last part, I love it. Most Man Law preseasons include a review of everybody’s team or some projections for which teams will do well. For example, this season Kristian predicted that I would make the championship!! Kristian said this!! Without me intervening!! Is the champion fat off his winning!!??
No seasons, to my knowledge, have included numerical predictions though. And that’s where some random reddit thread comes in! Some bloke created a system to report POWER RANKINGS for every team within a league. I fired up the spreadsheet machine, and went to town entering data. Honestly, there wasn’t a ton of data to enter since the majority was automated and primitive. BUT nonetheless, it’s provocative as ever. Provocative. I like that. It get’s the people going!
Some quick commentary:
- I love that we have ties.
- Roommates Kristian and Chris are tied for 2nd.
- Patrick and Guggs are tied for “11th.” Does that mean that no owner got drafted last in this theoretical school yard game? Or are those two both in last place?
- And how am I only ninth??
- These rankings are for the rest of the season
- Another source claimed my team was 3rd in week 2 power rankings. Let’s make that happen!
- These ranking incorporate your record, points scored, and the projections of every player on your fantasy team. So they’re pretty extensive. Next recap I’ll probably update this system to be a bit better.
- It’s moot right now, but I’ll periodically post how these rankings change over the weeks. If we had been doing this last year, you would have seen my team slide down the ranks and Kristian’s rise at the WORST TIME.
Kareem Hunts (Marshall) 94 vs. 84 Squatting Away The Haters (J.Mundahl)
I made a mistake in the draft. Actually, I’m sure I made a lot of mistakes. But my most apparent mistake was drafting Joe’s team first overall to my division. I’m sure the Fantasy gods saw that pick and decided to pit me against him week 1. With Spencer Ware injured, I thought I had this game in the bag. But then… Kareem. Back in 2012/2013, the University of Minnesota knew that he’d be a great player. We were one of only two teams in power-five conferences to offer him a scholarship. He decided to go to Toledo. That’s in Ohio. I did not know that fact until writing this recap. But you did not need to know that to draft him as an amazing handcuff. His performance of 41 points is the only bright spot that Joe needed to beat me. My Michael Thomas scored just four points, but he was covered by Rhodes, so I’m not worried about him nor the rest of my team yet!
Family Hate Aaron (K.Mundahl) 82.00001 vs. 82 Whom’s Mans? Perriman’s (Thompson)
Wow, week 1 and we already have a tie! But thankfully we actually don’t have a tie because we finally have a tie-breaker. Kristian eeeeked out a win. Let’s see how that happened.
Highlights of Clay’s week 1 roster: Rams D scores 28 points and Melvin Gordon returns with that patented nose for the end zone. Also, 16th round pick, Kenny Golladay, goes OFF with two sweet touchdowns. But Clay put him on the bench…
Kristian’s team did not have any crazy-good performances. But his stable of wide receivers all scored a touchdown. He literally only has four WRs on the roster, two starting and two on the bench, but they ALL scored one TD in week one. Scoring touchdowns in FFB is picking teams that rely on 3-pointers in March Madness. It’s high risk, but high reward. Kristian hit the high-reward pipeline in week 1, but will that consistency continue?
So both teams roster decent starters, but the BENCH is where the action is at! Both teams had similar rushing/receiving yard totals from the bench, but Clay’s Luck sits out and Jay Ajayi is stuck in a storm shelter to hide from Irma.
Kristian gets the win, but I’m giving all the credit to Hurricane Irma.
Atlantifa Antifa-lcons (Knutson) 102 vs. 58 KONY 2012 (Fischer)
Calling it right now: Chris’ team is a LOCK for the playoffs. If Jonathan Stewart can stay decent, then his RB core of Freeman, Fournette, West, and Stewart look consistent — if not lethal. The WRs have a really solid blend of consistency and home run potential. Crabtree and Golden Tate put up great yardard (no TDs @Kristian) and Willie Snead, currently suspended, could hit some moon shots later this season. For quarterback, Wentz could be the next Matty Ice — but better. For now, Chris could have flipped a coin between these two and been very satisfied with the 19 or 20 points.
Evan’s team has seen better days. On paper, the core of his team is pretty solid. Bell and Lynch could be the best RB duo in the league. But in week 1, neither found the end zone nor earned a ton of yards. Terrelle Pryor and Kelvin Benjamin could be pretty consistent week to week, but every year Cam seems to favor Benjamin less and less. Chris Hogan could also be a huge benefactor of Julian Edelman’s injury, but he only scored one point — on rushing yards nonetheless!! Thankfully Matthew Stafford looks great and appears to have some really solid weapons in Tate, Golladay, and Marvin Jones.
Unite The Right (Nihal) 90 vs. 87 tRump’s t h i c c b o i s (Rao)
We got a beloved Curry Bowl in week 1?? We’re lucky to have such a classic matchup so early and for it to be quite competitive!
Eshaan once again drafts his team under the assumption that his bench will never need to see the light of day. And for his sake, I hope he never does need to play someone from his week 1 bench. Look at the following list of Eshaan’s week 1 bench.
Would you ever pick one of these guys over someone else on waivers??
- Bilal Powell
- Chris “CJ0K” Johnson
- Kenny Britt
- Sterling “Wonder Boy” Shepard
- Shane Vereen
- Allen Hurns
- Eli “LOL” Manning
They performed in week 1 like the answer was collectively “Nope.”
BUT, Esh’s starters looked good. DeAndre Hopkins (a reincarnation of Hopkins’ former wonder-WR Andre Johnson), Stefon (lacerated spleen healed well bois) Diggs, and Kyle Rudolph looked lethal and able to catch anything thrown their way. Their corresponding quarterbacks could be better, but every good toss in their direction will result in opponents holding their breath. Unfortunately, the running back game looked solid, but is immediately suspect. Bruce Arians hopes for a healthy David Johnson as a Christmas present. The fantasy season will be over before Christmas :( Danny Woodhead went down immediately too. So… how’s the bench and draft strategy looking for you now, Esh? PS Enjoy the safari. Also, if you thought Sachin was too obsessed with playing basketball/sports and that it might obstruct his ability to get into dental school — well you’d be very mistaken. Sachin just interviewed at the UMN dental school this week. One of his interviewers was one of Sachin’s chums from pickup ball. So that means Sachin is a LOCK for getting into dental school right??
Another interested draft strategy from this year: whatever Nihal decided to do. Maybe Nihal knew that Dalvin Cook was going to be the second coming of AP. Maybe Nihal just has a “thing” for big or fast WRs. Dez Bryant, AJ Green, Tyreek Hill, and DeSean Jackson all fit in that category and could cream opponents every week. Tyreek showed some scary speed against the Patriots on Thursday. Green and Bryant did not have great games, but were targeted 19 times between the two of them. Jason Witten received the lone TD throw from Dak Prescott. Gotta love betting on that QB-Receiver connection and hoping that it pays off. With Dez also on the roster, Nihal has constructed a solid Dallas contingent to hopefully provide some consistency. I like that construction!
Donte’s Inferno (Bergeland) 97 vs. 71 Escargoting the Distance (Buggy)
Congrats to Tim for winning and looking like the best/smartest owner in the league for another year. Idk if you drafted Austin Hooper thinking the rest of your team could compensate for his mediocre stats from past years or if you remembered that Tony Gonzalez thrived in that Falcons offense and that Austin Hooper could be the next reincarnation of him. Either way, Hooper averaged 10 fantasy points per target (20 points total). That’s nearly 20x greater than Fitzgerald, who scored a respectable 7 points on 13 targets. Also, big shoutout to L Fitz for helping to injure Eshaan’s David Johnson by knocking him twice in an attempt to pray for Johnson while he was down on the field. @Fitzgerald, we aren’t those blue creatures from Avatar. We don’t need to contact each other to connect with them ‘spiritually.’ Also, the next time I’m injured on the turf (I play men’s league and rec soccer on turf fields often!), I know that *nobody’s praying for me* at my request. Tim’s McCoy and Gurley put up some great numbers. Buffalo seems very willing to climb onto the back of McCoy and run him every down if that’ll bring them to victory. McCoy could easily finish as the top back of 2017 in my book.
If Patrick can get some decent production from Crowell and Gore or if another RB decides to emerge, his team will be very competitive every week. The rest of his starting lineup could easily make a championship: Brees, OBJ, TY, Hunter Henry, Dan Bailey and Steelers D/ST should create some great production. OBJ needs to get healthy (shoutout to a former UMN cornerback for injuring him in that dirty preseason play). TY needs Luck. Hunter Henry just needs to rediscover his chemistry with Rivers from last year. Those will all happen in the next few weeks. In week 1, those three totaled just 3 points. So a slow start for Patrick, but his team could string together some very solid weeks soon.
Freezekial 28:3 (Weiner) ~0.1 vs. ~0 Look What You Made Me Draft (Guggenberger)
Man, I’ve been waiting all week to write this recap. Rob’s QB and D combine for six points… in the negative! Andy Dalton decided that he wanted to support the equality movement by protesting scoring. Whenever his team got too close to the end zone, Dalton decided to throw an interception — four interceptions in total. And get this, I didn’t see a single tweet condemning Dalton for disrespecting the game! What has his world come to? Maybe nobody noticed. Nobody noticed Colin Kaepernick when he sat for the first time during the National Anthem. It’s almost like Colin’s actions did not hurt anybody — except for the shared narrative that everybody needs to give 100% of their energy to outwardly respect a song and flag that represents our 241 year-old nation. Andy Dalton is actively hurting FFB owners everywhere!! Where is the justice in this league?? Maybe Dalton will soon have to team up with Kaepernick as a Batman and Robin advocacy group. [sad sarcasm]
Also, Rob might end the season with the best WR and RB in the league. It doesn’t seem like a coincidence to me that Texas judges, and probable fans of football and the Cowboys, decided to ~overturn the NFL to allow Elliott to play indefinitely, and probably for this whole season. Even delaying Elliott’s suspension to next season would be huge for the ‘Boys. The stars seemed aligned this season to bring the Cowboys deep into the playoffs. Next year could lose some linemen (I think?), so they want to strike now while the iron’s hot. Rob also wants to strike now, but apparently doesn’t want to strike too hard in week 1. But Blount, Zeek, and AB84 bailed him out with 41 points amongst themselves — enough to beat guggs.
Guggs! What is this monstrosity that you rostered week 1 and are you not a fan of the Vikes?? Thielen was placed firmly on the bench, but could have increased your team’s scoring 50%. Russell Wilson looked like he his hands were lubed up from a recent fascination with sexual activities. He fumbled once and completed ~50% of his passes. Christian McCaffrey got a lot of chances, but did not make much progress. He also fumbled. Eddie Lacy no longer exists in my universe. I saw his performance Sunday and erased all of my memories of him. (JK, I kept the saga about his weight and how he trained with the creator of P90X. That one is too good.) I’d recommend you do the same. Julio and Alshon probably had off-days. But both of their teams won. Maybe the Falcons and Eagles can learn to win without major production from them. That’d be scary for Nathan. Gronk was so mad at his production that he injured the cancer survivor guarding him. Gronk is a bad bad man. Brandon Marshall was ready for a massive week with OBJ on the bench and new chemistry with Giants’ QG Non-Peyton Manning. He caught one pass for 10 yard. I’m putting no money on Baby T.O. the rest of the season. Honestly, I’d probably put more money on T.O. even deep into his retirement. Adam Vinatieri is too old. Period. Texans D/ST could have dominated in a fight to energize the recovery efforts of Houston. That. Did. Not Happen. Also Houston was playing the Jags. The Jags suck at offense, but Houston D/ST scored -1 points. Whoops!
One consolation, Guggs is almost guaranteed to be the most improved in Week 2!